Previously on Rescue Me...
I would like the chaise
Lounge.
What?
The chaise lounge. It's the
Chair that matches the couch.
Hey! Tommy! What--God, does this
Make you feel more like a man,
Huh?
If visiting Jeannie has made
You have doubts about us--
It's not that. I gotta go and
See her brother.
Your sister Jeannie, she's sick.
If she's sick, she's sick.
Nothing I can do for her.
I need your help.
Get out of my showroom.
You know, you seem like
You've been a dad forever.
I couldn't handle it. I put
Her up for adoption, and she got
Placed with this, uh--This
Family, these pigs, you know.
All they cared about was their
Monthly check from the state.
And so, I stole her back.
What do you mean you
Stole her?
Yeah. Well, you know,
People like that are never gonna
Call the cops.
Let me get this straight.
You don't want your freedom?
No, and I want it to stay
That way. You know I'm gettin'
Marriage proposals?
My wife, whom I love dearly,
Left me for another man.
She broke my heart, and then she
Took nearly everything that I
Owned, all right? And then I met
Another woman, and at the end,
She took every penny that I had
On earth.
Everything?
Every cent I had.
Wow.
Just wondering if I could
Maybe just crash here for
A little while, you know.
Mi casa es su casa.
You know, we live together
And everything, but it's not
Like we sleep together or kiss
Or any of that shit.
Yeah, it's just blow jobs.
So you think you'll ever wanna
Try it?
Try what?
Going down on me.
Uh, no, dude. Never.
You gonna fill in for your
Nephew, you better raise your
Game.
This is tyranny. Ohh!
Ahh. Ohh! Ho.
I thought I was supposed to
Tend bar.
Yeah, that was the plan, but,
Uh, we gonna wait for some
Shifts to open up first.
Listen, Tommy, including
Garrity, I got 4 guys in line
Right now. No, 5.
You know, if she were dating
4 other guys, I'd think I'd know
About it, OK?
Do yourself a favor.
Walk away from the relationship.
You know what, Tom? This is
You just being you, you know,
Overprotective and not thinking
I'm good enough for your sister.
That is not the issue,
Believe me.
She's my girlfriend.
Yeah, one other thing,
Asshole.
What?
Don't tell her I mentioned
This stuff to you, all right?
Please?
Hey, should we move the, uh,
Chaise lounge down to the truck
Now, Tommy?
That's the chaise lounge? I--
I thought that was the chaise
Lounge.
No, that's the se-Tay.
Settee.
Uh, it's a bench, but French.
A French bench.
Yeah. My mom has one.
Should we move it?
No. Small stuff first,
Asshole. This kid's
Unbelievable.
We're out of suds.
Oh. I thought you were, uh,
Trying to pull back.
What, it's my day off,
I can't have a few beers?
12's a few in your book,
I guess.
Actually it was more like 15.
Listen, Tom, this whole
Transition thing, I mean, giving
All this stuff up to Janet, you
Know, I mean, the finality of it
All, I know it's--It's gonna be
Kind of tough on you.
Are you kidding? I can't wait
To get rid of this frilly shit.
I feel like I've been taking it
Up the ass for, like, a month
Now.
All I'm saying is I went
Through the same thing with...
with ph...
phyllis. Say it.
Yeah. Her. You know, and--
You know, look, there's
A shoulder here if you need it.
That's all I'm saying.
Yeah. You're the crybaby,
Not me.
I'm here for you, asshole.
That's all I'm saying.
I know you're here, pal.
I don't know if it's necessarily
For me, but--You sure you wanna
Do that?
What are you, my sponsor now?
See the name on the bottle?
Ooh. Beer run.
See ya.
Bye.
Come on, probie. Let's go.
Get that shit off the coffee
Table, too, all right?
OK.
Hurry up!
All right.
Hey.
Am I late?
Get up. This ain't the
Firehouse, OK? You can't sleep
On this job.
Sorry. Maggie kept me up
All night.
Oh, yeah? I don't wanna hear
About it, OK? My old man's been
Downstairs watching the truck
For, like, an hour. Let's go.
Pussy.
What, being tired makes me
A pussy?
No, not talking to my sister
About her 5 other boyfriends,
That makes you a pussy.
Wait a second. 5? I thought
You said it was 3.
OK, I think it's 4. I think
It's 4. But either way. Anyways.
You know what? How do you
Know I haven't already talked
To her?
Because if you told her what
I told you to tell her, she'd be
Over here right now with
A baseball bat.
Why do you want me to talk to
Her so badly, huh?
Because I want you to be
A man, OK, instead of a little
Pussy, which is what you are.
No, you're just trying to
Mess with my head so that I hang
Myself like fred.
High school fred?
Suicide fred, the guy that
You got so jealous. He was
Dating Maggie behind your back,
And you messed with him until he
Hung himself.
OK. Sit down. We gonna talk.
You're not gonna hit me,
Are you?
Only if it helps. Sit down.
Christ almighty.
Mmm.
Would you like more tea?
Yes, I would. Thank you very
Much. What are we drinking this
Time?
Peppermint.
Peppermint. I love
Peppermint. Oh, but that's
A little hot. May I have some
Cream, please?
There you go.
Thank you.
Are you going away soon?
No, sweetie. Why do you
Say that?
Mommy and auntie laura
Went away.
Come here.
Listen. Are you good at keeping
A secret? Yeah? I had a little
Girl once, and she went away
Just like your mommy did.
Up to heaven?
Yeah, and, um, when that
Happened, I was very, very sad,
And I know how much that hurts,
And so I would never want you to
Feel that way again.
So you won't go away?
Well, not unless you want
Me to.
I want us to be together
Forever.
Well, I'll see what I can do
About that. OK?
Watch the wall. Watch the
Door. OK? Especially the
Hallway, you know?
Come on, probie.
Careful.
Stuck.
Watch it.
Sorry.
Idiots.
This is my last run, bro.
I gotta take off.
Ah, your little sugar mama
Takin' you out on the town?
Nah. She's watching the kid
For me while I hit the books.
OK. Bye.
I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.
See ya. Thanks, man.
Yeah.
Hey. Yoo-Hoo. You know pops
Is out there drinking beers in
The truck with this smoking turd
In his mouth?
OK, that's probably Lou's.
Yeah. How long's that gonna
Go on, by the way?
Lou's just crashing here.
You don't have to worry about
Him, OK?
Ohh! This place reeks of
Beer farts, and cigar smoke.
Oh, well.
My God. It's really empty.
You OK with this?
Yeah. I'm fine.
Oh. Oh! You will never guess
Who I ran into today.
Satan.
No. Angela.
Johnny's ex?
Yes! I was shopping uptown,
And I wanted to go to the hair
Salon, um, this really great one
On the corner of 78th and lex,
And who do I bump into but
Angie. And, um, we went to
Lunch. We went to this fabulous
Japanese place in--What are you
Doing?
I'm making a cheese sandwich.
Oh. Anyway, so she totally
Picked up the tab, and she was
Telling me all about her girls
And her unbelievable career,
And she looks amazing, and we
Had such a good time, and she
Said she was gonna call me.
Heh heh heh. Do you think she's
Gonna call me?
Uhh. Don't see why she
Wouldn't.
Hey, look, I'm sorry I'm
Late. I got caught up.
No worries, dude. Bring up
Some ice for me, would you?
Yeah. What do you got there,
Basketball pool?
Every year, the pot gets
Bigger. I'm not sure why people
Keep picking gonzaga.
Well, they got a pretty good
Club this year.
Yeah, but it sounds like
A freakin' clown college. Would
You pay 80 grand to send your
Kid to a school named gonzaga?
At the rate I'm goin',
I can't even afford bus fare.
But you got your tips, right?
Yeah, all 80 bucks of it.
I thought you said I was gonna
Be bartending.
Be patient, jer. The checks
Are being processed. You'll be
Pourin' before you know it.
Look, here's an advance.
100 bucks should tide you over.
Great. What's the take on
This pot anyway?
Close to 6 grand.
Oof.
It's 20 bucks a bracket.
You want in?
Nah, I--I think I'll pass.
Aw, come on, jer. You gotta
Be in it to win it. Don't be
A pussy.
All right, give me 5 sheets.
Attaboy. Who you like?
Who else? Gonzaga.
Hey.
You OK?
Found his mitt.
It's OK.
What are you doing?
What?
What--What are you kissin'
Me for?
Uh, I thought that's what
You wanted.
I--Why--Why would you
Think that?
I don't know, Tommy.
You're being all gay and crying.
I thought I'd take a shot.
I wasn't crying, OK?
What do you expect from me?
Right? You ask me to come over
Here every day, a-And you throw
Me all these glances.
What? Like I'm throwing you
Glances. What are you talking
About?
Yes. You're throwin' me
Glances all the time.
Like what?
Like just glances over here
And funny glances and sneaky
Glances.
It's--That's called
Communicating with somebody.
That's how you--You make eye
Contact with them. It's--
Especially somebody who lives up
Your ass.
Oh. I'm living up your ass?
Yeah. You're up my ass.
I come over here every day,
And I deliver medicine, and I
Cook, and I do laundry...
this speech.
And I clean up shit and piss.
I'm really tired of this
Goddamn speech.
I got news for you.
I couldn't possibly live up your
Ass, because you've already
Taken up residence there.
Same time tomorrow?
Bite me.
* on another day,
Come on, come on,
With these ropes I tied,
Can we do no wrong?
Now we grieve
'Cause now is gone,
Things were good
When we were young,
With my teeth locked down,
I can see the blood
Of a thousand men
Who have come and gone,
Now we grieve
'Cause now is gone,
Things were good
When we were young,
Is it safe to say?
Come on, come on,
Was it right to leave?
Come on, come on,
Will I ever learn?
Come on, come on,
Come on, come on *
Oh, baby. I like this one.
No way, homey. Bitch be
Codependent.
How can you tell?
See that wrinkle in her
Forehead? Might as well have it
Tagged across her chest.
Had a bitch like that once.
Killed her.
OK, then. Well, how 'bout
This one? I like one with
A big backyard.
Nah. No way, yo. See that jaw
Line? Bitch got control issues.
Had a bitch like that once.
Let me guess. You killed her.
Killed her dog. She had the
Nerve to lock me out the house.
Ohh. Yeah, daddy. Ha ha ha!
Nah. That one's a guy.
How can you tell?
Don't ask.
Well--Well, look. This isn't
American idol. I just gotta
Pick one of these broads so
I can start havin' conjugal
Visits. I don't bust a nut soon,
I'm gonna explode.
I can help you with that if
You want.
N-No, listen. You're a great
Guy, and I--I like talkin' to
You. You keep a nice cell,
But I'm strictly a real, live
Female pussy type of guy, huh?
N-No offense.
OK. You know, if you just
Took me from--
Ahh yah! Geh geh geh! Eh...
let's just look at some more
Pictures.
A dog?
Yeah.
He told you fred killed
Himself over some stupid dog?
That is such bullshit. He killed
Himself over me.
Yeah, but you said that
Tommy--
No, no. I'm the one he was in
Love with, not some stupid dog.
So wait a second. He didn't
Force him to kill himself. You
Just--You made all that shit up?
No, I'm not saying I did,
And I'm not saying I didn't.
You know what? Maggie,
Why don't you just tell me the
Truth? You know, if you were
Honest with me, I wouldn't be
Mad at you.
You know what? I didn't want
You to think I was crazy.
Oh. Well, what would have
Given me that idea? And what's
With these other--These other
4 guys, pancho and--
First of all, his name is
Nacho.
Nacho?
And Larry.
And bill.
And otis.
OK. Maggie, I just--I'm not
Gonna play fifth fiddle to
Anyone, OK?
You told me that if I told
You the truth, you wouldn't get
Mad at me.
Well, I lied. How's it feel?
Can I have my shirt, please?
Nacho, OK?
Holy--
Hello.
Alicia, keela, I'm home.
Hello. Guys?
Baby, I--
Miss lofton, are you there?
Miss lofton, it's Franco.
Could you open up, please?
Franco, it's--It's late.
Yeah. I know, miss lofton.
I'm sorry. Is keela here by any
Chance?
Of course not. Alicia came
And picked her up around 4:00,
Just like you said. They should
Be upstairs.
All right, thanks.
Is everything all right?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sir!
Out of my way. She's here.
I know it.
Ms. Green has gone to
Her country home for the week.
Yeah? Where is it? Tell me.
I'm not at liberty to say.
Goddamn it, tell me where
She is.
I assure you she will get
Your message, OK? Now please
Leave the premises, or I'll call
The police.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah?
Hey, Chief.
What do you want, probie?
Can I get another, uh,
Cd-30 form?
What happened to the first
One I gave you?
I kind of lost it.
Yeah. That tends to happen
Quite a bit.
Can--Can we keep this between
Us like before?
I got no reason to share it.
Frankly, I don't think anybody'd
Give a shit. Surprised it took
You this long. The way they rag
On you, some of the worst shit
I've ever seen. Bunch of
Assholes.
Well, you know, they are my
Friends.
Heh. You know, I've never had
Any friends on this job. They're
Your friends till somebody
Drinks too much beer and then
Smashes your face in with
An aluminum chair. With friends
Like that, who needs friends?
Now get outta here. I got work
To do.
Hey.
Hey, "t."
Hey, where you been, man? The
Chief's been lookin' for you.
Man, I got a huge goddamn
Problem, Tommy.
What?
The chick I been seeing,
Man...
yeah.
She took my little girl, man.
She took keela.
Aw, man. You didn't tell her
About the foster family?
Yeah, I did, all right?
Aw, shit, Franco.
It slipped out in
Conversation. How the hell was
I supposed to know she'd use it
Against me, huh?
Goddamn it. Wow. Um, I don't
Know what to tell you. I mean,
I--I could call my cousin eddie
And see if he could come up with
Something.
Yeah, yeah. That would be
Helpful. I mean, dude, I been
Lookin' everywhere, OK? I went
To alicia's apartment. I been to
Keela's school.
OK. Calm down.
All right? It's my little
Girl. I gotta get her back.
Relax. Relax, all right?
I need help, Tommy.
OK, I'll talk to eddie.
We'll see what we can get done.
All right.
Uh, tell the Chief that I'm,
Uh...
yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Shit. Hello.
Ooh, you are not gonna
Believe this.
What?
That teacher, Mrs. Turbody,
Damian's teacher, she raped him,
Him and 3 other boys. It's been
All over the news.
You're kidding me.
No. I'd have to be a total
Psycho to kid you about
Something like that. Hi.
I think she raped Damian.
OK, did Damian say that he
Was raped by her?
No, he doesn't have to.
I know how he feels about her.
He spends all that time in
Detention.
Yeah, OK, but that's a hell
Of a leap of faith to go from
Him being in detention with
A teacher he likes to him
Getting raped by her. I mean,
Come on. I'll talk to him.
I'm sure it's, you know--
Doreen selig says that she
Gave them all chlamydia.
Gave who all?
D.J. Apaluso, rodney's
Cousin, she said that rodney and
The 2 other boys, they all have
Chlamydia.
Did Damian say anything
About--
No. Why would he say
Something? You're the one that
Just said that he wouldn't be
Involved, so why would he--
You're answering your own
Question. I'll talk to him.
I'm sure he doesn't even know
What chlamydia is, all right?
Thanks for droppin' by.
Hey, Chief, you see that
Ballgame last night? Man,
I thought gonzaga had it
Locked up.
Yeah, you're not the
Only one.
You see the kid that lost?
He started crying like a baby.
Yeah, he's not the only one.
Authorities say the Thompson
High teacher had improper
Relations with 3 17-Year-Olds,
Students who came forward to
Report the abuse just yesterday.
We'll have an upte at 6:00.
Wh-Wh-What'd they say?
Some teacher raped 3 of
Her students.
Oh. They say anything about,
Um, chlamydia?
Oh, you mean the band?
Ha ha. It's not a band,
You asshole. It's a country.
It's a venereal disease,
Monkeys.
Yeah. What is it, uh--
What does it do to you?
You know, what all sexually
Transmitted diseases do.
It makes you piss fire.
Did they say that those kids,
They--They, uh--They had it
From--From her?
There was no mention of
Chlamydia.
I'm just asking.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
So wait a second. She rape--
She raped these kids?
She didn't rape anybody.
You can't even call that rape.
I mean, if she looked like
Don knotts in drag, that'd be
One thing, but she was gorgeous.
She's handin' out rapes,
Pick me, teacher. Pick me.
Under 18 is statutory
Rape. That's the law.
It's a stupid law. I mean,
The other way around, sure,
But there's no way a woman that
Good-Looking is raping a
17-Year-Old boy unless she bends
Him over a table and shoves
A swingline stapler up his ass.
I mean, in my humble opinion,
She's providing an invaluable
Service to today's young people.
We should be so lucky.
What do you think, Tom?
Huh?
What do you think?
I gotta take a piss. Ahem.
Ohh, man.
Ahem. Hey.
Hi.
How you doing?
Uh, fine, I guess.
Everything good healthwise
And...
what are you talking about?
I'm making conversation.
Yeah, well, it's odd
Conversation considering what
Just happened.
What do you want
Me to say?
I--I don't know.
I thought for a minute you were
Gonna drive right over us.
Yeah. Well, you know what?
He's lucky you and the girls
Were with him, 'cause that's
Exactly what I had in mind,
Son of a bitch.
So I guess--Look,
I don't know. I don't know.
I gotta go.
Yeah. OK.
Bye. Christ.
Ay yi yi.
It's ironic, ain't it?
Uh, ironic?
Yeah. You know what I'm
Talkin' about. Admit it, Tom.
You jump in the Sack with my old
Lady, and now look at you.
Here you are, your own brother
Puttin' it to your wife.
It's ironic. It's the definition
Of the word.
I don't think so.
Oh, you don't think--
Wh-What is it then, smartass?
Enlighten me.
It's a little thing
Called karma.
Actually, you know what?
You're right. It is karma.
Mm-Hmm.
It is. Yeah. I stand
Corrected.
And the thing about karma is
Just keeps going around and
Around and around.
Tommy, is that--Aw, Jesus.
Did--Come on. Johnny's ex.
It's b--You sick little bitch.
Oh, man. I--You know, and I
Thought you couldn't go any
Lower. I swear you're--You're at
The earth's core with this,
Practically.
Yep. Next stop China.
Where you going?
No, wait a minute. Tommy.
I'll see you later.
OK.
Hey.
Tommy. Hey.
Hey, ange. What's up?
Oh, my God, this is so
Bizarre. What are you doing
Here?
Uh, a friend of mine's over
At lenox hill hospital, and I
Just--I happened to park on this
Block, and--
Oh, I live just over there.
Really?
Yeah, just takin' pumpkin
Here for a walk.
Hey. What a cutie. Yeah.
Yeah. The girls love her.
Guess I would, too, if I didn't
Have to follow her around with
A shit mitt.
How are the girls?
Ah, they're good.
Yeah?
They grow up fast.
Yeah.
How are yours?
Well, they're good,
Considering, you know.
So funny runnin' into you.
Just saw Sheila the other day
Right around the corner,
Actually.
Really? Oh.
Yeah. Yeah.
What are the odds of that?
Heh heh.
Lightning strikes twice.
So do you--You wanna grab a--
A cup of coffee or drink and
Catch up?
Yeah. Sure, sure. We could go
To, um, lexington bar and books.
Lexington and 73rd. Let me just
Drop pumpkin off with the
Doorman.
Do you--You want me to just
Meet you over there?
OK.
All right.
10 minutes.
OK, great.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right.
Say, "good-Bye, Tommy."
Bye, pumpkin.
See ya.
Could I help you, sir?
Oh, uh, nah, I'm cool.
I'm just--I'm lookin' for
A little kid.
Uh, this ain't a flea market,
Pal.
Actually it's my daughter.
She's gone missing.
Uh, well, I could take you
Down to the station. You could
Fill out a report.
You know, uh, actually
That's, uh--That's all right.
You know, I think my
Girlfriend's probably got her.
Yeah, yeah. I'm sure
She does.
Look, officer, it's not like
I'm here shopping for, you know,
A playmate--
Take a walk, freak show.
Yeah. All right. Sorry.
Goddamn sickos.
So Sheil told me about you
And Janet. And you and her.
Yeah.
And Johnny and Janet. Mm-Hmm.
Throw in a brain tumor, throw in
An evil twin, it's an episode of
Young and the restless.
No kiddin'.
You know, I was thinkin' the
Other day about me and Johnny
And how I was always after him
To get hitched, but he was such
A commitment-Phobe. Every time I
Mentioned the "m" word, he would
Say I was getting too clingy.
Hmm.
And then you and Janet tie
The knot...
mm-Hmm.
And a month later, me and him
Were engaged. Took me all this
Time to realize I was always his
Second choice.
Wish I knew that before we spent
6 grand on the goddamn marriage
Counselor.
Well, you're not the only one
He had fooled, you know.
I was his wife. I should've
Picked up on it.
Yeah. So you--You seeing
Anybody now, or...
um, no, not really.
Not really.
I was seeing this wall street
Guy, but, uh, he's too
Possessive.
Jealous?
Mm-Mmm. No, he treated me
Like I belonged to him, like I
Was a lamp. Heh. He's rich,
Though, and he's cute, and he's
Tough, too. He's a boxer.
He's a broker-Slash-Boxer.
Oh. Ha ha ha! Why'd I say
Boxer? He's not a boxer. He's,
Um, ugh. The thing with the
Hands and the feet. He's a--
Kung fu. He's kung fu. Yeah.
He's got a black belt. Or a red
Belt. Whatever--Whichever's the
Toughest belt.
Karate. Karate guy.
Yeah.
Oh. Karate guys are always
Talking about their belts and
What color they are and--
Surprised they don't get a set
Of heels and a handbag to go
With the belt. This guy's still
Around?
Eh, not really. He shows up
Every once in a while,
Checking in on me.
Stalking you?
The occasional surprise
Visit.
So you think, um, he would
Mind if we, you know, got dinner
Sometime?
Ohh. Probably. Oh. Oh, Tommy.
Ooh, I know you too well to
Think you just happened to bump
Into me out on the street there
Today.
What--
You know, given the detailed
Romantic math that Sheila laid
Out for me and our past history,
I know you have some secret evil
Plan in mind, and you know what?
I've grown too mature for that
Old-School, old-Neighborhood
Type of bullshit. I live in
Manhattan now. I've changed.
Thanks for the drink.
I've changed, too.
Quit drinkin'.
Shit.
* sorry * ha ha ha ha!
I swear to God, Jerry, I had
No idea it was karaoke night.
And I had no idea what a great
Voice you have.
Well, I can carry a tune.
You're not bad yourself.
Well, I'm not so good on my
Own, but we make a nice duet.
Yeah, that we do, huh?
I'll just grab my keys.
Look, I w--I wanna thank you
For everything, and, uh, I'm not
Used to letting the lady pay.
Call me old-Fashioned.
Heh. Old-Fashioned.
Ah. Heh heh heh.
It's nice to see you laugh.
I mean, you've been working so
Hard. You've got so much on your
Mind. Sometimes you have to put
The load down and have a good
Laugh.
Ah, your rendition of purple
Rain certainly helped that
Along.
You're awful.
And you are amazing.
Look, uh, I know I'm
Old-Fashioned, but we've been
Circling around each other for
A couple months now. Will you
Spend the night?
I'll have to think about it.
Oh. Shit. Ow.
Hey--
Take your time.
Oh. It--It wasn't what--
I didn't see anything,
All right? All I'm saying is
You're gonna violate yourself
Like that, lock the door.
You--OK, I--First of all,
I would--One place I would never
Jerk off is in the bathroom.
OK, I think--
OK? I was performing
A medical procedure on myself.
Oh, really?
I was checking my cock.
You know, that's the lamest
Euphemism I've ever heard.
It's not a euphemism, OK?
There's a very slight, ahem,
Slim, miniscule, really,
Chance that I might have, uh,
Chlamydia.
Heh heh heh heh.
No, I'm--I'm dead serious,
Lou. I--I haven't taken a piss
In 24 hours. I'm afraid to,
You know, pull it out in case...
flames shoot out of it?
Yes! Yes, OK?
You wanna tell me how this
Happened?
All right, um, you know
Damian's, um, teacher, the one--
Yeah, the hottie.
Yeah. She, uh--All right,
So she was supposedly raping,
You know, some of her students,
And Damian was one of the kids
She was, uh, you know,
Having sex with, and anyways,
Long story short, I--I go,
And I talk to her about the
Situation, blah, blah, blah,
And you know, next thing I know,
Bing, bang, boom, she wants me
To have sex with her so she'll
Stop having sex with Damian,
Which she did, by the way, and--
And I had sex with her, and it
Was like I was Damian. It was
Like I was 15. I--I couldn't
Hold back. I was coming like in
5 seconds. Anyways, uh, I think
She might have given me the,
Uh--The big "c."
Cancer's big "c." Chlamydia--
Little "c."
Oh. Well, you know what I'm
Saying, so what do you think?
Hey, I don't know.
We're talkin' about piss-Filled
Bladders. We're talkin' about
Illicit underage sex scandals
With teachers and...
which I put an end to,
By the way.
Students and uncles and
Nephews. We're talkin' about
Fire-Breathing cocks. I mean--
Heh heh. Be honest with you, all
Of a sudden--I don't know why,
But you know, I feel a little
Bit better about my life.
Oh. Well, I'm--I'm glad
I could help you out.
Well, Tommy, I don't know
What to tell you. I mean, you're
The only man in the tri-State
Area who shares a case of
Chlamydia with 3 teenage boys.
Nonclergy, of course.
And the 3-0 pitch coming down
From...
oh! Dude, it's all knotted up
In the bottom of the ninth.
How long is it gonna take you to
Fill that thing out?
Yeah, I'm just tryin' to make
Sure I got everything right.
Thousand-Mile journey begins
With one step.
You know, I'm sick of that
Philosophy shit. Why does it
Always feel like somebody's
Tellin' me what I should do?
Well, what do you wanna do,
Mike?
I wanna stay in my firehouse,
You know. I wanna be one of the
Guys again.
Who are you gonna be besides
Yourself?
Will you cut it out with that
Faggot-Ass philosophy?
Who are you callin' a faggot,
Faggot?
You.
No, you're the faggot.
Yeah, OK, Mr. Gay faggot guy
Standin' out on his construction
Site in his tight little
Blue jeans.
Well, look who's talkin',
Mr. Firefighter in your turnout
Gear, lookin' like a lost member
Of the village people.
Kiss my ass.
Oh, well, that sounds like
Something a faggot might say,
Faggot.
He got it off, bro.
He got it.
It's gone.
Going. Gone, baby! Gone!
Unh! Yeah!
Yeah! Dude, you want a beer?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Nice, bro.
...as he touches 'em all.
Tommy!
Yeah.
Open--Open the door.
I'm coming.
Open the goddamn door, Tommy.
Hey. What's up?
Yeah. You happy? I never
Thought you, of all people,
Would sabotage the least
Dysfunctional relationship in my
Entire life.
S-Sabotage? You're the one
Who's going out with, like,
6 different guys.
No, 5, and I like Sean the
Best. He happens to be very
Nice, and he did--Does
Everything I say. He's perfect.
Then why--Why are you
Cheating on him?
A zebra can't change his
Stripes overnight.
Oh. Well, whatever. Are you--
You lookin' for a cup? There.
Wait. What is the matter
With you?
Nothing.
What do you have, the crabs?
No.
You know, see what it says?
Yeah.
Yeah. Well, looks like it's
Half-Drunk.
It's half-Full.
No, it's half-Empty,
And I know pops didn't do this.
He knows better.
Lou, OK? Lou had--Is having
A rough time. He had a couple of
Drinks. That's all. Here you go.
Yeah, well, I'll deal with
That doughboy later. What did
You tell Sean about fred, huh?
I--I told him the truth, OK,
That he committed suicide
Because his dog died.
Lies.
That's what happened, mags,
OK? The guy had a chemical
Imbalance. Probably why you two
Got along so well.
Listen, Tommy--What's the
Matter with you? You got--
Nothing. Nothing. I have to
Go to the bathroom. That's all.
Listen, Tommy, if you don't
Get your big pointy snout out of
My affairs, I'm gonna make what
You did to Johnny look like
A game of patty-Cake.
OK.
You get me, Tommy?
I gotcha. Gotcha.
Snout?
Take your eyes off my ass.
I can tell you're lookin' at my
Ass, and I'm your sister, Tommy.
I was looking at your belt.
It's a nice belt.
Yeah, sure.
Nice--Nice talkin' to ya.
Ohh.
Ahh.
Ahh. Oh, my God.
Ohh. Ahh. Ahh.
Whoo!
Ohh. My...
ohh.
That her?
Yep. Great face. Great rack.
Hey, hey, hey. Watch it, pal.
You could be talking about my
Future wife.
Gotcha.
Now tell me again, just so
I'm clear, I marry her, I get to
Have conjugal visits?
Once every 10 days for an
Hour at a time on prison grounds
In a trailer with phone contact
Every 10 minutes.
Not bad. I mean, so I bang
Her, she starts talkin' a blue
Streak, I can always make
Believe that one of those calls
Means it's time for me to go
Back to my cell, right?
Happens all the time.
Perfect. You got any
Breath spray?
Yep. Here.
All right, all right.
Bud, I, uh--Jeez, I never
Thought I'd--I'd see you.
It's gonna be a lot easier if
You just let me talk.
Sure. Go ahead.
I tried to keep Jeannie from
Marrying you, because I thought
You were a piece of shit,
But when I told her I would
Never see her or speak to her
Again, she called my bluff.
Not a day goes by I don't regret
That threat.
Hey, look, you, uh--You had
Your reasons.
My wife says that, uh, you
Asking me for help, that showed
Character. I don't know if
I agree with that, but look,
I admire your commitment to my
Little sister. You stuck with
Her through all this.
It's 5 grand. It should help
You, uh, till you get your
Finances in order. Just don't
Spend it on the ponies.
I would never do that, bud.
Jerry. Is everything OK?
Look, it's not what you
Think, bud.
What I think? What I think is
That's the most expensive piece
Of ass you ever had, my friend.
Have a nice life.
How you doing, gorgeous?
Oh, my God. You look nothing
Like the picture you sent me.
Oh. Yeah. I lost a hundred
Pounds. I'm on the murder-One
Diet.
Ha ha ha.
But you, you look great in
The picture you sent me, but you
Look even better in person.
Aw, thanks. Oh, my God.
I love your lips. I wish I could
Taste them.
Well, you certainly don't
Waste any time.
Ah, no. Life's too short.
I learned that last year.
My mother, she dropped dead in
Front of me in the kitchen
Making tea.
Oh, my God. How old?
86. Healthy as a horse, too.
Go figure. You never know.
Nah, you don't. I'll probably
Die behind bars. But you know
What? I had to go back in time,
I'd shoot that prick all over
Again.
Hey, I think what you did is
What needed to be done.
All these goddamn faggoty,
Politically correct assholes
With their goddamn bibles and
Their bumper stickers and their
Girl power bullshit. Nobody's
Accountable anymore. You get
A drunk driver who kills a kid,
It's not his fault 'cause he
Drank. It's his parents' fault
Because they bullied him when he
Was a kid. I am so sick of
People not facing up to the
Facts. Black people like fried
Foods. Chinese people--Lousy
Goddamn drivers. Mexicans think
A pickup truck holds 27 people.
And that's just what I think.
Will you marry me?
Tommy. Alicia. I'm looking
For Franco.
He, uh, took the day off
Trying to find his daughter.
And I have a brother who's
A cop, so I drop a dime,
Somebody's in a shitload of
Trouble.
Well, you must not be fully
Aware of the situation, or you'd
Know that that somebody would
Not be me.
Yeah. You know how much, um,
He loves her?
How much she loves him?
Oh, do you? Have you spoken
With her? I mean, or more
Importantly, have you listened
To her? Because I actually have,
And she's--She's frightened.
Of her own dad?
Yeah, in a way, she is. I
Mean, she loves him, he's sweet,
But she's looking for a mommy,
And you know, lucky her, they
Just keep on trooping through
The front door. Every time he
Dates somebody for more than,
I don't know, what, a week, she
Gets a new mom. Look, the point
Is in her daddy's house, girls
Are things that disappear. She's
A girl, and she's wondering when
Her time is gonna come.
Uh, I don't care what you
Say. There's no way--
Look, do you have a daughter?
I have 2 daughters.
Oh, good. Well, then you
Probably heard this before,
Although it happens to be true.
You know the first man that
A little girl falls in love with
Is her daddy.
Yeah.
And so then when she gets
Older and she wants to get
Married, chances are that she's
Gonna pick somebody just like
Her old man.
Yeah, I'm aware of this
Theory, and it's a bunch of
Bullshit.
Oh. So you don't have
Anything in common with your
Wife's father.
No.
Oh.
Nothing.
No. He--He was a--He was in
Real estate, first of all, so he
Was a suit-And-Tie guy. He spent
His whole life behind a desk,
And real estate was all he
Thought about. He got up every
Morning and thought about how to
Rip people off, OK? He was a
Selfish, self-Centered, greedy,
Lying, cheating midget. He was,
Like, 5'2". I'm way taller than
Him. And not funny at all,
Which is one of things my wife
Said she found attractive about
Me when she met me was that I
Was funny. Her father was not
Funny. And why we're talking
About me, I have no idea.
This is about Franco.
You like Franco?
Yeah. He's like one of my
Best friends.
So you wouldn't mind if one
Of your daughters wanted to
Marry him.
That wouldn't--How would that
Happen? They're way too young
For him.
I don't know, when they get
Older.
OK. Well, then why don't you
Have him call me, and we'll set
Up a time where he can spend
Some time with his daughter
And--But tell him to call me
After 5:00, 'cause I'm taking
Her to the dentist. She's never
Been. By the way, I'm not
Expecting him to change. I just
Want him to learn a few things
For her--
I gotcha.
OK. That's good. Your wife's
Right. You're a riot.
You know, quit starting
At me, OK?
What?
You're starin' at me.
Just knock it off.
I'm not starin' at you. I--
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
I was lookin' out the win--
One window and the other window.
I happened to look at you in
Between. It's called glancing.
Yeah. Well, glance at
Somebody else.
OK. Whatever.
When you glance at somebody,
It's like they're like beside
You or like at a distance from
You, OK? You were blatantly
Staring.
I don't need you to define
Glancing for me, OK, asshole?
Yeah. I'm an asshole now.
Yep.
Why am I an asshole?
You're an asshole because you
Told Maggie everything I told
You about fred.
OK, well, so I'm a pussy if
I don't say anything to Maggie.
Now--And now I'm an asshole for
Opening my big mouth. You know
What? You're impossible to
Please.
Yeah. You know what?
You wanna please me? Keep your
Hands out of my sister's pants.
Guys.
Hey. Ladies, enough.
Ooh, you can't get me.
All right.
Ooh hoo hoo!
She's the best thing that
Ever happened to me, and you
Ruined it.
I told you to talk to her,
OK? You decided to break up with
Her. You live with that
Decision.
Yeah. Well, you know what?
Try this one out. I don't wanna
Be friends anymore.
Yeah. And?
I--I don't want you to call
Me. It's over.
We're breaking up.
You're--You're breaking--
Yes.
Hey, you guys listening to
This? Garrity's breaking up
With me. Huh?
Yeah. It's over. I don't want
To hear from you. I don't want
No dinner, no hanging out...
he's breaking up with me.
Nothing.
Unbelievable. Oh, my God.
Your whole generation--Gay.
Here we go with the
Generational thing again. Well,
Excuse me for not seeing a movie
That was made in, like,
1970-Blah, blah, blah, OK? I was
Like a fetus.
Got here as fast as I could.
Tell me, what'd she say?
Hey, take--Take it easy.
What was so important you
Couldn't tell me over the phone?
What did she say, Tommy?
It's my goddamn little girl,
Tommy! It's my kid!
OK, calm down. Calm down.
It's OK, guys.
Sh-She said a lot of things.
Um...
one of which is that, um, little
Girls grow up to marry men who
Are a lot like their dads, and
I didn't think she was
Necessarily talking about, ahem,
Looks, you know?
Yeah. Well, shit, I never
Thought about that.
Yeah. Me neither.
Guess that's a goddamn
Terrifying prospect, huh?
So what's the problem, right?
Not like I'm gonna win any
Father of the year awards.
My baby's gonna grow up wanting
For nothing. I get my life back
The way it was before, huh?
It's good for everybody, right?
Franco.
Sorry for grabbin' ya.
* you know our heart's mate's
Out there,
Waitin' for somethin' that'll
Never arrive-- *
Hello.
Tommy, it's ange.
Hey. What's going on?
I'm in.
You're in?
Yeah, what we talked about at
The bar, messing with Johnny and
Janet. I think it'll be fun.
Yeah, it'll be a blast.
So how do you want it to go
Down exactly?
Well, why don't you give me
A couple of days to think about
It, and, uh--And then I'll call
You back with the plan.
OK. OK. Bye.
All right. Bye.
* I feel like
Letting it show,
Showin' you right here now,
They're never going away,
Hey ey ey ey *
Shit.